Gracie

Dear Gracie,

I have wanted to write you a letter, an annual address, since the E.P.T. displayed two pink lines some five plus years ago. Today is the morning after your fifth birthday party and I'm finally getting around to it. That pretty much sums it all up, sweet thing. You have demanded our attention, and won our affection every moment. Well, at least most moments. You are everything we asked for, everything we didn't even know we wanted and, if there is a category left to fill, you are more. And I do mean more. Right now, the helium balloons from your party are drifting just a few feet down off the ceiling. God seems to be telling me that he is providing just a little space and time to hurry up and get a few things down before I forget and you get busy filling out your college applications.

One cold day in February, a bit of snow on the ground, I headed in for my last weekly OB appointment. It was confirmed that my water had broken that morning and you were on your way! We were thrilled. She'll be born TODAY, I thought with joy. OR NOT. After 28 plus hours of labor, no amount of petocin was going to convince you it was time to be delivered. I think the whole birthing process just needed a bit more drama to suit your preference. More doctors, please! More nurses! More morphine for mommy! Despite the debacle of an anesthesiologist with a professed "blinding headache" you were born via c-section on February 5th, 2005, 8lbs and 12 solid ounces.

The first 3 months were a challenge. I had no idea I was supposed to put you down for naps. That didn't work out so well. Finally, my friend Jenn gave me a copy of babywise and we got you on a nice schedule. Turns out you like to know what is going on and thrive when you feel in control. Don't we all! Addicted to your pacy and bound to the nap schedule, we made it through. Around 9 months old you bit me one day and Gigi had told me to flick you on the cheek. So I did. 2 seconds later, you were weaned. Always in extremes, just like your mommy.

Age 15 months-3 years old we'll call your spanking season. I'm not kidding, you must have gotten a spanking every day of your life during this time. Disobedience and defiance is the rarity these days, and we are totally enjoying the fruit that the williams sonoma wooden spoon flogging produced. You are such a good girl these days. A joy and entertainment in our home. Thank you for inviting feather boas back into my life on a consistent basis. Thank you for celebrating anything new, be it a glue stick or sparkle shoes, with ecstatic joy. Thank you for singing Once Upon a Dream to your my little pony in the bath tub tonight with diva like vibrato. Thank you for making rosemary, berry, delicious, ice soup with the rosemary you found in the yard. Thank you for loving your little brother and taking such delight in him. He is absolutely crazy about you and thinks you are hilarious. Thank you for displaying vivid seeds of faith, and wild captivated wonder in God and his creation. I can't wait to watch His plan unfold for you.

You told me the other day that you had longing in your heart and that your dream had died but that you prayed to God while you were out in the snow and He was going to bring it back with the morning star. You said it just like that. Totally serious.

Sweet Gracie. Dreams will come and go. Longing in this life will most certainly remain. The great fulfillment of it all will assuredly come with The Morning Star. Happy fifth birthday. I love you to the moon. You are my favorite forever. I take such great delight in who you are, no matter what you do. Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I can't wait for the day when He steals it away. One day, hopefully very soon, He will wash you white as snow and turn you into a brand new, sparkling, glittery, perfect princess. A daughter of the King.

I love you,

Mom

all in a days work

Someone asked what my day is like. Let me tell you. It is REALLY exciting. This is the basic frame work. Add to it that this week, Tuesday night I went out with my best girlfriends from highschool, Wednesday we had a new couple over for dinner, Thursday we are having dinner at a different new friend's house, Friday we are having a birthday party for Grace at our house with her friends from school and going out that night to dinner with friends, and Sunday our friends are coming over for brunch. When do you think I should try to go to Michaels to get stuff to make treat bags for the party?? And how about that giant chalkboard that I'd like to construct out of paint and a frame from Good Will?? ANY IDEAS???

5:00 AM Grace climbs into our bed totally undetected. She is a total stealth.

7:00 Mark gets up with Grace, fixes her breakfast and starts the coffee. He changes the baby and lets him play for a bit.

7:30 By this time I am up, contacts in, and ready to nurse the babe. John usually nurses for 20 minutes or so. Then I help Grace get ready for school. Pack her lunch, fix my coffee, help her with her hair, etc.

Mark usually leaves by 8:00.

8:45 I leave with Grace and John to take Grace to school.

9:20 Arrive at home, feed John his baby food, let him play on the floor, check email, refill coffee.

10:00 John goes down for his nap. I get to have my quiet time. My quiet times are sitting at a bar stool at my kitchen counter. I usually start by prayer writing in my journal. I just finished A Heart Like His this morning! I usually take 45 minutes to complete a days homework.

11:30 Finish up the breakfast dishes, facebook, throw a load of laundry in, make the beds, etc.

12:00 John wakes up and I nurse him again.

12:45 Leave to go get Grace.

1:30-2:00 I usually eat something, fix Grace a snack, feed John his baby food.

2:00 John goes down for his second nap.

2:00-4:00 Recently, I have been working on house projects. Painting, cooking, decorating, etc. If I need to paint my nails, read, help Mark with something Portico related, then this is the time that usually happens. My new goal is to workout (P90X?) during this time. I also sit with Grace and work on her writing and reading, read stories, sing, etc.

4:00 John gets his bottle.

5:30 Mark usually gets home. Dinner as a family. Mostly, I cook, but Mark does his fair share as well.

6:30 Mark usually does bath and jammies for both kids. He reads Grace a story while I nurse John.

7:30 Prayers and lights out for children.

7:30- latest 12:00 talk, eat dessert, watch T.V., read, facebook, blog, work on Portico stuff, etc.

I know it seems like I do nothing important...

When I was deciding if I would stay home with my children or work, I asked myself these questions. I have many friends whom I love and respect deeply who have gone back to work and put their kids in daycare. Though I strongly disagree with their decision, I do not judge them, or think by any stretch of the imagination that I am better than they are. If they were to ask my opinion, I would encourage every one of them to stay home with their children, especially during those first five crucial years.

- Can my love, affection, and attention be easily replaced by hired help?

- Do I think someone else will consistently love my children as much as I do?

- Is it better to give my children more time with me, or more things?

- At the end of the day, who will give an account to God for the spiritual training and discipleship of my kids?

- Is my desire to work outside the home rooted in my personal interests or the interest of my children?

The answers to these are plain. I am not easily replaced. My love, affection, hugs, kisses and snuggles throughout the day cannot be replaced by anyone else, let alone a stranger who is paid by the hour. As a former child care worker, as much as I dearly cared for other people's kids, and some, I would say I did love, I know deep in my heart that I never felt the same way about them as I did my own children. I am not a single parent and therefore do not HAVE to work to pay the bills. We do not take vacations (that we personally pay for), have huge savings accounts, or live outside our means. God has been gracious to honor my decision to stay home and has miraculously provided for us in all kinds of creative ways. John will never remember if he had the finest organic onsies, but he will remember that his mom was always there. At the end of the day, I feel that the spiritual nurture of my children happens during all waking hours. I am the one who will give an account before God regarding their spiritual development.

Do I have days that I wish I was with adults and working outside the home? Yes. Are there times when I feel that what I am doing isn't making any difference? Yes. Could we use the extra money that a second income brings in? You better believe it. That's why I have made a commitment to my kids. Their needs and best interest trump mine. That's what love is!

Please, do not be offended, worker moms. I love you!!! These are my convictions, and I do not judge you.

diamond bed in the rough

NO HATERS!!!

It has seriously been Y-E-A-R-S since I have graced the inside of one of these. For the last six years I've been pregnant, or trying to get pregnant and have not been interested in tanning. I got my fake and bake start back in the 10th grade when I rode my older sister's purple "mountain bike" around the corner to the, as my disapproving mother would say, "tanning booth." I managed to pay my $7 a session with crumpled bills pulled from my back pockets. I remember wondering why they thought women would want a free bunny sticker as a take home treat. So naive. Anyone remember those?

My family moved, and by the 11th grade I was a part time employee at The Sun Club in Springfield. I was a bed cleaner. One capful of Lycosol into the plastic spray bottle and you are good to go. Sanitized. There is nothing quite like moping up someone else's sweat pools, using their used towel, because the manager didn't want the towels to back up in the wash/dry cycle. I so excelled at this job that I wooed a good friend and that older sister I mentioned into the business as well. Orbit? Omega? Sonic bed, anyone?

At Miami University, as a first year, I distinctly remember braving the Oxford winter and trekking from Scott Hall up-town to a ramshackle nail salon that had two beds "in the back." You had to stay in them for close to an hour to see any color because the bulbs were never replaced. Nice.

Then came the JMU years. I worked at Caribbean Tan along with my three housemates, one of whom was the manager. This time, I was both bed cleaner AND operator. Yes, I still have the tee-shirt.

I graduated from JMU SEVEN years ago and one of those darling housemates sent me a message on facebook TODAY saying that a place up the road was offering TWO DAYS of FREE tanning. I dug up my old eye wear and Ocean Potion Lotion and after the children were in bed momma zipped down the street to get her free session. I'm so grateful. You never know what kind of music will be available while you are tanning, but I was so thankful for an entire non-scratchy DMB song loud and clear through the speakers. You wear nothing, but you wear it so well. Now THAT is ridiculous.

I know tanning is terrible for you. I DO NOT plan on purchasing any packages, plans or any additional sessions. I simply took advantage of the one time special, and got some much needed, post blizzard, vitamin D. I do NOT recommend tanning, or think it is OK to tan. Unless of course it's me and it's free.

this is ridiculous

I find myself saying "this is ridiculous" several times a day. Be it the price of grapes per pound, the number of days it takes to obtain a certain online purchase, the loads of laundry on my floors, the mud on my dog's paws, the snow piled on our cars, the way a family member is behaving, John's blow-outs, the rate at which my roots show, the state of my nails, the price of my health care premiums, the frequency with which reveal floodlight bulbs go out, the price and availability of decent yoga pants.... you get the point.

What is behind my exclamation?

1. I desire to control my surroundings?

2. A lack of trust?

3. A critical spirit?

4. Laziness?

5. Reactive and not proactive?

6. Impatience?

7. Joylessness?

8. Selfishness?

9. Self-absorption?

10. Narcissism?

This is ridiculous. John is waking early from his nap. Blog attempt failed. Thankfully I've already had my quiet time. Clearly, I needed it!!